It would seem that becoming a parent has sent my martyrdom tendencies into overdrive--now that a being needs me so completely, I must cease to have needs myself. And if I still have them, which of course I do, I must apologize for them. Profusely.
"Could I have some water? I'm sorry if it's an inconvenience. I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry for being a pain. Did I mention I'm sorry?"
Seriously.
And why it's there goes beyond the inherited tendency--yep, my mom did it too, and probably my grandmother before her--to sublimate my needs so completely. I feel like, deep down, there is something fundamentally defective that I should apologize for. That I should apologize for just drawing breath and being on the planet. I realize that's messed up. I know this. But lately, I can't seem to stop.
I know I'm probably oversharing, but I don't care. I'm doing it anyway because it's my blog. See what I'm doing there? I'm apologizing again. For even taking up space on my own damn blog. This tendency runs really, really deep.
Yesterday, I met with a friend who directed me in a play--yep, irony of ironies, the girl who apologizes for her existence and is afraid of being rejected is a sometime-actress. She mentioned that she cast me in the play when I came in for the audition and was a nervous, apologetic wreck. I apologized right after I walked in for God knows what. In that case, the vulnerability and nerves made me a perfect choice for one of the roles. But in general, I don't think it really serves me in life.
Or maybe it does--sometimes vulnerability can be beautiful. But one has to give oneself permission to be vulnerable, to take up space in the world, for that beauty to show. And to be artistic, to create, you have to give yourself permission to share your perspective, to believe your perspective is worth sharing. And right now even that is hard for me.
So what exactly does this have to do with parenting? Everything. If I feel like I have to fundamentally apologize for my being, it's hard to claim space and time for me, which I need to be a good parent. Which I need to keep from going insane. I give so much of myself every day that I often end up prostrate on the bed at the end, unable to move. I'm so bone tired. If I'm in apologetic mode, I keep driving myself more and more, colliding more with exhaustion, instead of taking time off. The apologetic stance drives me to get up and do dishes or laundry instead of deciding to read a book or take a bath. It drives me into oblivion. More of my self bleeds away.
And what does that teach my son? That people are machines who don't need rest? That women exist only to serve others? Neither are messages I want to teach him.
I need to change this. I have changed it before--gained confidence and became less apologetic for myself. But in the last few years, as my self-esteem has eroded, the apologies have crept back in. I guess it starts here, on this blog, in this writing. I'm wanting to apologize for being too navel gazing, for being too much this and not enough that. But I'm not going to do so. The space I occupy is just enough, and it's even OK for me to claim more. No apologies. I deserve to exist and to speak.
So what if my blog is therapy for me? So what if I ramble? So what if people don't like it?
I deserve to be here. I deserve to write and speak and have emotions and be and say I've had enough and I need to rest. Every step I take toward taking time and space for myself means a little less apologizing. I am and I'm enough.
Not sorry.
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