I'm back. Yes, I've neglected this blog--easy to do when I imagine no one is reading it. Much has happened since last I posted, including my son E starting Montessori school a couple of weeks ago. I fell away from the blog after I stopped attending weekly writing group meetings for a time--first I had swim class with my son and then I was performing in a play. But I'm planning to get back to the meetings and back to this blog in some form, although I'm not sure I want it to just be a "mommy blog" anymore. It was never really just that anyway.
I've been standing in the space between lately--between one era of my life and a new one. I spent the last 18 months focused almost entirely on my son, not working for most of it and taking on the role of stay-at-home mom, if only temporarily. My daily life and routine revolved around him, and although I felt vaguely bored and discontent at times, at least I felt like I had all the time in the world with him, watching him grow, change and evolve. Now, the window of time I spent with him daily has shrunk, so now it's just part of the afternoon and evening. And if/when I return to work full time, it will shrink again. The era of him needing me so intensely, and of living in this world that was just he-and-I, is over. He still needs me, of course. But his realm is expanding and his time with me is contracting. And although I know it's necessary, it makes my heart deeply ache. And the idea of spending even less time with him hurts even more. So although I want new challenges and passions in my life, I'm afraid to go back to work full time. I'm afraid to spend even less time with him. I'm afraid of that tether that binds us being stretched too far, and him floating away. That he won't feel me there, holding him, being his anchor. That I'll miss too much. That the closeness we have will dissolve. I don't really believe it will, but I also deeply dread the idea of only seeing him an hour or two a day. It's not enough. He's changing and learning too fast for that to be enough. He's my only baby, and every day is precious.
Yet standing here in limbo, between identities and roles, isn't good for me either. I need something more than simply being a mom. I need to be me, expressing all sides of me. I need to work, to express, to advocate, to do something. I just need there to be balance. And balance seems elusive and impossible.
How do people do this? I know they do, but I don't really know how. And I'm standing here in this in-between place, afraid to move, afraid there's no solution.
And eventually, I need to move.
No comments:
Post a Comment